What Hannah's Therapist Taught Us About Happiness, with Neha Aamir, LPC | Ep. 3
In this episode, Hannah and Amy sit down with Neha Aamir, a psychotherapist with nearly a decade of experience - and yes, Hannah's own therapist. Together they explore what happiness really is, why it looks so different across cultures, and why the Western model of "get the house, the car, the job" often leaves us feeling empty.
Neha introduces the PERMA model (Positive Emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning, and Accomplishment) and explains why noticing joy is actually a skill, not a personality trait. We dig into the power of cognitive flexibility, the difference between being unhappy and being uncomfortable, and why relationships remain the single biggest predictor of wellbeing, for better and for worse.
We also walk through the RAIN framework (Recognize, Accept, Investigate, Nurture) as a practical tool for sitting with hard emotions instead of avoiding them, and close with a deeply personal conversation about when they each last felt truly happy.
In this episode: cultural perspectives on happiness, hedonic adaptation, the PERMA model, cognitive flexibility, self-trust, flow states, the zones of growth, and why emotional intelligence peaks at 82 (yes, really).
Find Neha: Neha Aamir, Licensed Professional Counselor, Milford, CT, 06460 | Psychology Today She currently practices in Connecticut and welcomes inquiries and consultations.
Reach out to us! Email us at icanbehappier@gmail.com or visit icanbehappier.com. This podcast is not a substitute for professional mental health support. Please reach out to a qualified licensed provider if you need help.
Transcript
Neha Aamir
===
[: [: [:We are planning an episode on the power of music. And so if you have had an experience in your life where music has gotten you through a really difficult time, or if you are someone who really understands and could explain the power of music to our listeners, reach out. Uh, we'd love to have you on the show
[: o much for joining us, Neha. [: [:never get to say that out in public, but
[: [:And I've been working in kind of outpatient settings, hospital settings. Um, private practice, you name it. And I've seen people throughout the spectrum, um, as young as like seven to 81 being my oldest and it's been really rewarding, and exciting to help walk with people through their journey and help kind of close in some gaps and, and be a nice ear to listen to.
So very happy to be here.
[: [:I like a little bit of that flexibility and helps me learn more too.
Something
[: [: [: [: [: [:so much of
[: [: [: [: [: [: [:It
[: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [:and we were
[: [: [: [: [: [: of pleasure or contentment, [:Um, so I kind of use them interchangeably too, but I, I do like feeling content in all states.
It's interesting that the root word comes from luck, like having good fortune. So this is like an old English word, and it meant like that things were going in your favor and that you were feeling good inside. Somewhere along the way though, we turned it into a constant kind of emotional expectation, and I think that might be part of the, the struggle of like keeping it, that constant happiness, um, that then we actually go the other way.
ic to think about and how we [:Yeah.
[:almost
[: [: [: [:not
[: [: [: [: [:So you guys are doing a great job.
Yeah. Yeah.
[: [:You must be unhappy, right? Um. In a lot of like non-Western cultures, happiness is less about feeling good internally and more about living right within a system of relationships. Duty meaning, um, especially relationships, which is one of the biggest in indicators of, of happiness or contentness. So in the Western model, we see being happy is maximizing personal feelings and freedom.
Me, me, me, which is [:'cause it's so changing and we're, you know, not two dimensional. So there's, there's so many more complexities to it. Um, so take, take from that. I, I recently traveled to Costa Rica and, and they say this saying, Pura Vida, which means pure life, right? And it feels like they're appreciating like the simple pleasures of life.
at again, was relationships, [:So there's so many ways to kind of look at it. And again, understanding that, um, also being happy. Being happy does not mean that there is an exemption of being sad, right? Like, you need to live with that and understand like what kind of, how all of those kind of work together. Um, so yeah, there, there's so many different cultures and how they experience and it's cool to kind of be able to expand our minds and understand like how different people, experience happiness and take from that.
I really find, um, again, speaking with so many people day in and day out, that that social isolation part, um, is really big. You know, even if you have a community and nowadays, like an online community or anything like that, you're just connected more with yourself and then the world, and it's such a different feeling.
hat part is so innate within [:Yeah.
[: [: [: [: [:And so
[: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [:One thing that we talked about was that perma model that you had mentioned.
And I.
know that the r
[: [: [:And it stands for positive emotions, but not all the time. So this is what people mean by happiness. Um, but it's only one piece, right? Um, and this is just expanding your emotional range of safety and being able to express and, notice, like consciously notice the small mo good moments, in life. It's very important to understand that, by the way, this is a skill, not like a personality trait.
[:And so to elicit that, you have to really train your mind. Some people have it naturally, but most of us have, including me, have to have to work on it from time to time. And then the e stands for engagement, which is flow. This is when you're so absorbed in something that you kind of lose track of time.
I think of if you've ever watched that Pixar movie, uh. What's it called? Soul? Um, it's this piano. Yeah, piano teacher.
[: [: ay music and there's a point [:Um, and just I identify activities where you feel yourself, people do this when they're cooking, chopping, you know, vegetables. It's therapeutic for them. They get into a flow state. Um, others cleaning. So, you know, no, no judgment here, but kind of using, uh, that flow state engagement in something is, is really good.
Um. Are the relationships such a strong predictor? Um, this is really just investing in, in relationships that offer a lot of depth to us, right? People that we really align with. Um, and you can have like, honest conversations with about anything. Um, and so, you know, whether it's a, a phone call, a text, a chat, something, we're not just always in your head all the time.
Um, even [:And I also know the biggest, um, indicator of like the opposite too. What's gonna be the facet thing to kill your happiness too,
[: [:yeah.
[:Yeah,
[: [: [: a is for accomplishment. So [:There's a lot of externalizing, like our self-worth and, oh, I'm doing this 'cause it makes me look good or it makes my Instagram look great. But just for yourself, you know, something that you can kind of get involved in and feel like, okay, I've really mastered this thing. Um, because that also helps us with then self-confidence, self-trust, and so on and so forth.
So, easily just to be able to do any of this, I want you to think about which part of your life even currently is, uh, imbalanced. Which part of this perma right needs a little bit more of TLC and you can kind of do anything in, in that to kind of help it come back to a balance. So if you're looking at the p write down one specific moment that you had each night, right?
not talking gratitude in the [:So like pick a, pick a thing, right? Anything in perma that needs kind of more loving and then go after that. So that's kind of like some practical ways that you can, find some balance and stri that back in your life.
[: [:Um, and we have to work on that relationship with ourselves to be happier because self-trust that quiets inner doubts, it reduces the need for kind of that external validation and helps us feel more emotionally, um, steady. So we know that when we trust ourselves, we're more clearheaded. We make decisions that are more sound, um, and we're just more accepting of kind of whatever happens to us.
ontrol over. And once again, [: [: [:practicing meditation. And it could be any types of meditation. Like I said, you could just very presently eat your food, right? Or wash the dishes or take a walk. We know it takes about eight to 10 minutes to get into that state.
your body kind of sinks with [:And Sarah, I'm so happy to wake up today. I know this sounds cliche sometimes, but it's like I have a able body. It works. I'm able to like, take care of myself, others around. Yeah. There's challenges, but I'm, I'm capable of doing all of this. Right. But if I can't kind of ground myself right now in this moment and remind myself of my goals and what I wanna do today, nothing else is possible.
And so health, this is part of health wellness across cultures. We found that meditation is a beautiful practice of just exhaling and we need it 'cause it's so noisy all the time.
[: [: you'll like this part, but, [:10, 10% of it is life circumstance, and then 40% of it is intentional activity. Um, so people often overestimate things like money status, right? Life milestones. But one, human beings are terrible predictors of happiness. We think something will make us happy. Um, and then very quickly, there's this word in psychology called hedonic adaptation.
You'll notice that you get a new baseline. So you have that new job that you've been kinda working for, and you think, if I just get this job, I'm going to be 10 times happier. Maybe, you know, a month into it, you're right back to kind of your baseline or a new baseline, but it's never really the answer. So happiness is, is less about kind of like those milestone things and more about like lifestyle, right?
Um, [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [:talked about this episode, we, I I, we kind of came up with three. Main takeaways that I thought maybe we could talk about that are, have been really helpful for me and I do think apply really well to this idea of, I think I can be happier, more content, whatever it is. And, , so those are the idea of reframing self-compassion and self-compassion kind of as one. Cognitive flexibility, which Amy and I as executive function coaches, we know the magical power
[: [: [: [: [:So we know, as the older we become, the more rigid
the more fixed we become in, in our personalities and the way that we think, um, and to a certain degree, that's okay, right? Like, we have fixed dates and then personality traits that are a little bit more changeable. But one of the, the things that's maybe not so helpful in that is, we lose perspective,
and then we think my way is the right way and this is the way it must be. And anything that goes against this is like questioning my existence, right? And you get these deep, deep core beliefs that, that we talk about often that are hard to, to do anything out of because you gotta look at them, you gotta really understand where they came from and then work to kind of unlearn what you've learned, right?
we know that people who have [:Really tight. That leads to a lot of like chronic illnesses, like autoimmune disorders and, arthritis. Right? And if you think about your bones, right, when they kinda get stuck like that, no flexibility in the way that we think. It's really hard, right? It's a lot easier said than done. But being able to reframe your situations, your relationships, the way you're thinking, Hey, I know I just automatically thought that thought, but let me stop for a second.
, right? And, and being able [:Like, don't take yourself too seriously. Don't take life too seriously. Take it seriously at the right moments. But right. Like, this is so, press so much pressure that we put on ourselves constantly, that we don't stop and breathe and kind of relax our shoulders and unclench our jaws and say, okay, everything is okay.
Right? And let me try to remain a little bit malleable. And that's one of the cool things about our brain is it's actually malleable. We can, we can change the way we think. We can, audit the content of our thoughts, right? We don't have to believe everything we think, believe it or not. And so a lot of this can be passing stuff that you're like, oh, that's a thought.
I don't have to catch it or internalize it, all three of those components I think are so, so helpful to being able to just look at things on a. Uh, macro level, but also a micro level, if that makes sense. And, and daily practices, um, they're hard again in the beginning, but over time they can also become automatic.
Just like your first thoughts.
[:I don't, I don't have to believe these things that I,
say about myself or that I
[: [:And, and I think that requires a lot of flexible thinking and a lot
[: [: [: [: [: [: [: [:working on
[: [: [:So yeah, to be able to alter that again, superpower a little bit. Cool. Also very hard. You said it earlier, Hannah, you said, why is this so hard? Right? And many times you're like, ah. And I just, I, I feel, and actually this is also backed by research, is people who are happier or more content also sometimes have more challenging lives.
And think about that for a second, right? Because you're working so hard to do all of these things, and sometimes it's easier to sit back and say, Hmm, I don't care, right? Like, I'm just gonna be this way. And you don't realize how much you're hurting yourself, but it is a lot of work to kind of understand yourself on the step and, and unlearn, relearn, mess up along the way.
g your embarrassment, right? [:So it's actually much more challenging, but it's much more purposeful in the long run.
[: [: [:Intent. Right?
The people we love the most are, are also the most stubborn and should be in therapy, but don't. Um, and then the people that you know are, are kind of as a result of it do. But yeah, you're always kind of remaining challenged in some ways and being okay with being wrong and being open to, to learning, right?
How many of, uh, people we know are ourselves are like, I, I don't want to, it's scary, right? Just be an observer and, and understand it and, and challenge that part. This is also a very interesting fact, but kind of a sad one. They did kind of milestone checker according to age of like when you achieve certain things by, and emotional intelligence, right?
Was on one of them. And emotional intelligence requires a lot of cognitive flexibility and things like that. Do you know what age people really, uh, what's the word? Kind of conquer emotional intelligence. And by what age? You get it.
Close,[:Amy.
[: [:like
[: [:Okay,
[: [: [: [: [: [:Really?
[: but knowing that, you know, [:You know, I don't wanna wait till 82. Yeah, yeah. So, so just keep learning. Yeah, keep learning, keeping open, keep introducing yourself to, to new things all the time. One of my favorite questions to kind of end sessions with, sometimes it's, when's the last time you did something for the first time and kind of, you know, you kind of stop.
'cause you're like, when have I, every day starts to feel so mundane. But how are you learning then? How are you growing if you're not doing something new?
[: [:And it could be the best coffee in the world on your commute that feels like a vacation. 'cause you're listening to your favorite song, right? You ever like look in your rear view and you see somebody just like belting music and it's just so quote unquote happy. That's happy, you know,
you're just free.
But having something on our schedules to always look forward to is one of my favorite things. Whether it's big or small because it takes you out of the mundane and helps you connect with yourself, someone else,, whether it's a hobby or anything like that. Um, always kind of be working towards something so you're challenging yourself.
. Gratitude is such a big one. Again, like I said, whether you take out like a couple moments of your day in the morning or at night, but our, our brain is always going towards what's going wrong, and you really wanna train and highlight your brain to say what's going. Okay. I think it's really important to, to talk also about toxic positivity.
You ever heard of that?
[: yes, [: [:What do I, what do I feel neutral about? Right? A lot of people do this with like, um, body image issues. So I'm not saying you should love every part of your body, but what do you feel neutral about? Right? What do you feel okay about? If we look for those things. You will see a lot more of those things or signs start to produce right?
Start just training, training your mind, um, for that. So those are kind of some of my favorite ones. Um, Hannah, you know, I like to table, table thoughts. That's one of the, my favorite ones is if you have a really sticky thought. So, a thought that kind of keeps coming up again and again and again. The more you avoid it, the more it kind of has power over you.
w that a table is held up by [:So if the thought is, I'm a loser, tell me four things. Why, why are you a loser? And maybe those are really real to you. But then I want you to go back and cross out each thought and try to reframe each of those thoughts so that one by one, you're taking the, the legs of the table away and that that thought is not so strong or doesn't have that much power over you.
Um, so it's, it's thinking about your thinking called metacognition.
[: [: [: [: [: [:speaking of, of EF skills, I wanna go back a little bit to what you were saying about, having something to look forward to.
And it made me think of [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: that will just make you feel [:so follow it with some, some kind of action that you do. And many of us put the plans on and then we wanna cancel 'em. Do it anyway.
[:yourself to do it. It
me
[: [: [: [: [:Don't be so afraid of it. Um, and then Hannah, I think you're talking about the, the zones of growth, we start with the comfort zone and then we get to the fear zone, which is the, the part that scares us.
keep tiptoeing a little bit [:This is now where you kind of have put your emotions at bay and you're really just focusing on the new skill that you're learning and you're past the embarrassment of things and you're acquiring something new. Now you keep going past the learning zone. Now you're in the growth zone. So if you can kind of mentally understand this model, what is it saying?
Everything you want is sitting on the other side of fear. But if we keep living in comfort and fear, how are we ever going to tolerate the discomfort? How are we ever going to grow? Right? And the more you kind of get this equation in your head, the next time you're doing something that's super hard or humbling, you'll like, oh yeah, I just have to be really bad at it the first hundred times.
But then it'll click and it'll get easier and better.
[: [: [: [: omfort zone in so many ways. [:But yeah, there's some discomfort initially and it feels pretty great being on the other side of that, you know, knowing that, that I can push
[: [: [:I love when we can just call out things that, you know, you wanna hide it, but when you call it out, no one can make fun of it for you about it. Right. You're like, yeah, I'm scared. Yeah. I don't know anything. Yeah. I might mess up. Which again, is that, that confidence and self-trust within yourself that I don't know everything.
[: [: [:you name your emotion, not only are you moving yourself out of your emotional part of your brain and into the thinking part of your brain, but You
[: [: it Yeah. also [: [: [: [: [:Something the
[: [: [: [: [: [: [:function coaching is very like forward thinking work, right? Like, we're like, okay, like what, what are we gonna try next? What are these future goals and everything?
And I, and so I
[: [: [: [: [: [: [:I took a nap and washed my hair.
[: [: [:would've
[: [: [: [: [:for our
[: nt. What's the event itself? [:Kind of just recognize what's going on with you, except as an interesting one, because I think a lot, there's always a pushback of like, but I don't accept this. Right? Or there's anger around it. Acceptance, accepting something doesn't always, equal approving something, right? So what that means is I can accept that I'm sitting in traffic.
I don't have to agree with it. Right? So you just kind of accepting what is. Very logically, black and white investigate. I think that's the key right there is looking for other perspectives. Maybe where am I? Right, where did I get it right? Where am I getting it? Kind of a little maybe wrong or questionable?
And do I have all perspectives? Do I need to talk to someone else to kind of figure out what's going on? And then nurture Yeah, like kind of saying earlier of what do you need right now? Because this allows us to not just sit and be stuck with our thoughts and feelings and know where for it to go, but an action plan.
, putting things into action [:And any of these really to kind of think about the starting points. Um, and a great mindfulness practice too, of letting, letting things go, accepting without agreeing with it all the time. At the end of the day, just yeah, um, have giving it a space really. 'cause the more you avoid stuff, the bigger it really becomes, doesn't it?
Rather than just sit with it, understand it, take the power away, um, and recognize what it is that you need to do moving forward. When you listen to yourself, you trust yourself hopefully to know, all right, I got this.
[: [:So my brain is not active and alive. Um, but yeah, whatever works for each person. And that's the cool thing about coping skills is it's so unique to every person and it's also always evolving. So you gotta have a couple of 'em, if one is not working, um, but do what works for you and try these things out.
You're only gonna find out once you try, you know what works for you.
[: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: recognition, right? Because [:So that is also part of that recognition readiness.
[: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [:Starting small, gradual. These things might sound overwhelming, but again, it's more about, you know, the, the little things, the, the 1% change.
[: [: [: [: [: [:I was at a wedding on Saturday and I got to be, um, with my husband's family and it was really fun. And there was like a tinge of, uh, not sadness, but my daughter wasn't able to be there. She was at another thing, but I was also like super happy for her that she got to be at this other thing. So Yeah.
[: [: [:About you, Neha?
[: , there's multiple emotions, [: [: [: [:but, um, I, I practiced learning a new skill, right? And, and really being bad at it in the beginning and kind of going through all the stages, but then eventually coming to understand like, wow, this, you know, I don't have to be the best, I'm not trying to be the next Olympic athlete over here, but this is helping me connect with my family and allowing me to try something new for the first time.
Um, and it's beautiful, right? Like, this is, everyone hates winter, but I've found a reason to love it. So.
[: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [:Neuro Diversion conference for allowing me to speak and lead an activity.
And it was, it was really fun. So,
[: [: [:And the second I started talking, I was like, ah, ah,
[:I'm really, really like just hearing both of you. Yeah. I was just thinking in, in a world where we just try so hard to be someone something else, right? Like you need to be exactly you and with your quirks and all the things and the first times, right? Like, this is what I would want as a listener is just the real version of you.
And I think that's the ultimate coming to, you know, whether it's happiness or contentment is like, there's. Just one of me and the history of the world would literally be incomplete without you and be you. Right? Like be you. And that is like once you kind of have that relationship with yourself, whether it takes 30 years or 82, hopefully earlier.
e bells and whistles and I'm [:And just being a woman too, I think that's a lot to look up to.
[:Thank you so much.
Yes.
[: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [:Um, sometimes people also are nervous, like what they expect, so like I'm happy to do a consult as well. But yeah, reach out if you ever need.
[: [:and so it was really cool and very. I, I'm not really sure what the right adjective
[: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [: [:And, and also if you try a therapist and it doesn't. Quite feel right. I do really believe that we know the very first time we meet with someone if it's gonna be a good fit or not. And so, uh, if you, if you, if you've tried someone and you weren't really sure about it, then it's okay. It's okay to not go back to them.
[: [: [: [: Please take care of [:or visit our brand Spank Anew website at I can Be happier.com. And we are still working on socials, but we're not there yet. Like we said, we're people in progress, right, Amy?
[: [: [:
