Your Executive Function Skills Want You To Be Happier | Ep. 6
In this episode, Hannah and Amy revisit the strategies from their conversation with Neha, Hannah's therapist and a psychotherapist with nearly a decade of experience, and put an executive function spin on them. If you haven't listened to Episode 3 — What Hannah's Therapist Wants You to Know About Happiness yet, start there first as this episode is a direct callback to it and builds on everything Neha shared.
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Executive function skills are the cognitive tools that get us through our days: attention, memory, task initiation, planning, prioritization, time management, cognitive flexibility, self-regulation, organization, metacognition, and goal-directed persistence. Hannah and Amy make the case that these skills don't just help us function, they help us be happier. And as it turns out, many of the strategies for building happiness are also, quietly, exercises in building executive function.
We walk through frameworks for organizing and prioritizing your wellbeing, including the PERMA model and the Covey Quadrants, and then dig into the practical, in-the-trenches strategies: how to push through discomfort and why the research says it's worth it, how to tell the difference between being unhappy and just being uncomfortable, how to challenge the stories you're telling yourself with the Table Exercise, why naming your emotions actually moves you out of your emotional brain and into your thinking brain, and how to build a gratitude or mindfulness practice that actually fits your life rather than the one you think you're supposed to have.
In this episode: the PERMA model through an EF lens, Covey Quadrants, Zones of Growth, pushing through discomfort, cognitive flexibility, the Table Exercise, name it to tame it, gratitude practice, mindfulness without the ohm, metacognition, and why you don't have to do any of this perfectly - you just have to take a step.
MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE
Episode 3 — What Hannah's Therapist Wants You to Know About Happiness The episode this one builds on directly. Neha introduces the PERMA model, the RAIN framework, cognitive flexibility, flow states, and more. Start here if you haven't already.
The PERMA Model: Developed by psychologist Martin Seligman, PERMA stands for Positive Emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning, and Accomplishment. It's one of the most widely used frameworks in positive psychology for understanding and assessing wellbeing. Learn more here.
Covey Quadrants / Eisenhower Matrix: A prioritization tool that organizes tasks by urgency and importance, helping you figure out where to focus your time and energy. Hannah and Amy suggest using it alongside the PERMA model to figure out which areas of your wellbeing need the most attention right now. See the matrix here.
Zones of Growth Model: The comfort zone, fear zone, learning zone, and growth zone. A visual model that maps the journey from safety into discomfort and out the other side into actual growth. See it here.
Moshe Bar research on pushing through discomfort: Hannah references research showing that pushing through discomfort supports mood, builds resilience, improves physical health, slows aging-related processes, and strengthens executive function skills. Learn more here.
The Table Exercise: Neha's cognitive reframing tool, described in detail by Hannah in the episode. When you have a sticky negative thought, especially one with an absolute in it like "never" or "always," draw a table. Write the thought at the top. Under each leg, write a piece of your supporting evidence. Then reframe each leg, looking for opportunity within it. When all four legs are reframed, rewrite the thought at the top. It's a pause, a regulation tool, and a mindset shift all in one. Works best when you write it out.
Name It to Tame It: Coined by Dr. Daniel Siegel. When you name an emotion out loud, you literally move from the emotional part of your brain into the language and thinking parts, which is why it works. It's not just a nice idea, it's neuroscience. Learn more about Dr. Siegel's work here.
Dan Harris: Hannah references Dan Harris talking about meditation as a bicep curl for the brain and meditating in Times Square. His book 10% Happier and his 10% Happier podcast are both worth exploring if you're curious about meditation but skeptical - he's one of the most honest and accessible voices on the topic.
Growth Mindset: Amy references this in the context of pushing through discomfort and building resilience. The concept was developed by psychologist Carol Dweck and is the foundation of her book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Worth knowing the research behind it.
Hannah’s blog post on cognitive flexibility Read Hannah's blog post on her website about cognitive flexibility and how we can benefit from and practice it.
Gratitude journaling research: It really is science-backed, not woo-woo. This overview from the Greater Good Science Center pulls together some of the best research on why gratitude practice works and how to do it well.
Five-year line-a-day journal: Hannah kept one for five years and used it as a gratitude journal. She says looking back on it, especially through the pandemic, was genuinely helpful. Here's the journal she used.
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
Atomic Habits by James Clear: Almost everything Hannah and Amy talk about in this episode, including small steps, consistent routines, building habits that stick, maps directly onto James Clear's framework. If you want the science and the system behind why starting small actually works, this is the book.
Reach out to us! Email us at icanbehappier@gmail.com or visit icanbehappier.com. This podcast is not a substitute for professional mental health support. Please reach out to a qualified licensed provider if you need help.
As an Amazon affiliate, we get a small percentage of the sale of any books you purchase through our links. It's an easy way to support us! Thank you!
Transcript
hannah and amy neha revisited
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[: [:Okay, and again.
Intro & Episode Overview
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[: [:Rate & Review + EF Skills Primer
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[: Yeah. Yeah. [:Uh, and this is, like, all through the executive functioning lens. So if you are not familiar with executive functioning, uh, here's your primer.
[: M. Yeah. All right. I, um, I [:Yes. All right. So, mm-hmm. You start and then I'll fill in if you forget anything. I feel like I'm on the spot here, Hannah. All right. You are. So our executive function skill areas. So this includes attention, memory, task initiation, planning, prioritization, and time management, cognitive flexibility, self-regulation.
tion is made up of emotional [:Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Super important. Yeah, so these skills get us through our days. Oh, and, and help us to be better at being happier. Yeah, absolutely. Uh, getting through your day successfully, I definitely think leads to feeling more content overall and feeling accomplished- Mm-hmm ... which is always a nice way to feel.
Mm-hmm. So yes. All right, so
The PERMA Model
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[: know, in your mind. And, and [:Yeah, and I think this is a really good framework just to help assess, like, any areas that might need attention in our lives, and that way we can prioritize those areas the most. So if you notice that, you know, maybe it's relationships you need to work on, really prioritizing that aspect of your life and figuring out how to fit more of those meaningful connections into your days or your weeks as well.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, it really supports- So many EF skills. I also like the idea of Covey Quadrants. I don't know if people have heard- Yeah ... of Covey Quadrants, but it's also an Eisenhower Matrix- Mm-hmm ... and it's just a good way of organizing your thoughts and rating things, whether they're urgent and/or important.
be some things are urgent in [:Um, you know, a lot of people do that daily with that tool. You can do it weekly, monthly, however often, it suits your needs. But yeah, it's a great one if, uh- Mm-hmm ... if you all are familiar with that one. Yeah. Maybe we could put a link in the show notes for- Mm-hmm ... a graphic on that- Yeah ... 'cause it can be hard, hard to imagine if you have never seen it before.
Right. All right. So, uh, let's talk about
Zones of Growth Model
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[:Yeah. Hannah, this was actually... This specific model, this was a new one for me. I've used similar things in coaching related to this idea, but I really like this model, and how, um, I found a really great visual for this too, that lays it out, you know, just in your, being in your comfort zone, that sense of safety.
And Neha had talked about the idea of being, identifying whether or not you are unhappy versus just uncomfortable. So really thinking about, you know, am I actually unhappy in this moment, or am I just uncomfortable? Oftentimes it's the latter, and really sitting in that discomfort is where the growth happens for us.
ith being uncomfortable, uh, [:It's not just to be able to try new things, but they have found that when we progress forward, so a lot of the research is on progression, so always moving forward, and they and other researchers have found that when we are able to move forward and, you know, push ourselves out of that comfort zone and do something new and move into some space that we haven't been in before, push through that discomfort, it actually is super important for a variety of aspects of our health, like our mood.
Uh, we [:Mm-hmm. Yeah. Just being able to, to push through those moments of discomfort really does help build that resiliency and feeling, you know, that we're capable of doing harder things. So... Mm-hmm. Yeah, and I know one of the things we talked about, or one of the executive function skills that we framed a lot of our tools around, was cognitive flexibility.
ine us living in a different [:So that's why it's so important to practice those flexible thinking skills. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Mm-hmm. It's really important. I just wrote a blog post about cognitive flexibility, and so, so much of this, like, just ties right back to that and how we really miss out on a lot if we ... Like, when we, when we are rigid in our thinking, it does unfortunately, mm, limit our opportunities.
Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Sometimes we just have to get out of our own way , you know? Yeah. Get out of our head, get out of our way. Yeah. So what are some recommendations, like if, if you were working with a client and somebody said like, "I'm stuck in my comfort zone, and I really ... And I'm, I'm stuck there by fear."
, what kind of strategies or [:Stepping Out of Your Comfort Zone
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[:You know, just for a really short period of time, just to kind of test the waters. So that coupled with, um, some positive self-talk as well, really tuning into that inner dialogue, paying attention to that, determine if it's helpful and encouraging, um, or if it's holding you back a little bit.
I really like the coupling of both of those. What about you, Hannah? What are some of your go-tos with your clients? Yeah, that too, the, the idea of asking ourselves, like, is this story that I'm telling myself in my head true? Mm. Like, could I stand up in front of a court- Yeah. ... you know, and, and not commit perjury- Yeah
by saying this, [:Right. Is this, is this true, or is this, is this not true? Um- Mm-hmm ... and the other thing that I always, uh, remind my clients is that it's really hard to, uh ... This is a risk, right? It's a risk to step out of your comfort zone. It's, it's much easier to take risks when we feel like our needs are being met.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And so if our, you know, if we're getting enough sleep ... I feel like I always tie everything back to foundational routines, but- Yeah ... I really do think, like, if we are rested enough, if we are not hungry, if we are, um, you know- Regulated as much as possible, then yes, it is gonna be easier to identify which story is true- Yeah
and [:Yes, absolutely. The regulation before, before any of these things, regulation first. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Just makes everything easier and clearer as well. And Hannah, just going back to that, the, like the idea of tuning into that inner dialogue, I know that you have, you have an exercise that I've heard you describe that I absolutely love.
something that she taught me.[:And so
The Table Exercise
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[:And that's something to look for is those like absolutes. When we say these absolutes, that's often where the wiggle room is. If we're saying an absolute, then maybe it is not true. Uh, yeah, so if you are never gonna get this project done, then you draw a table. Helps if you write it out. Draw a table. Right at the top, I'm never gonna get this project done.
And then for under each [:And so that I started too late, you might say, "Okay, yes, I started later than I would like to, but it's still two days. It's not due right now. I have two days." Uh, I don't know what I'm doing might c- might turn into like, I have notes from my professor or my boss that I can refer to, and then I probably actually know more than I think I do, and so finding the confidence in yourself.
oing on. You can acknowledge [:So that prioritizing skill is really helpful here. And then it feels like too much could turn into, yeah, it's a lot, and I can manage it. Uh, you know, I can make a plan, break it down into steps that feel manageable. I can eat well, go to bed early, whatever the things are. So I think this exercise, it makes you write it down, and it makes you face whether it is true or not.
And then, uh, you can then, after you've changed all of those legs, you can change the thing at the top. And it says, you know, you might say, like, "Yeah, it's gonna be hard, but I can get this thing done." Yeah, I love that, Hannah. Thank you. Yeah, I love it. And, and, and especially if you're, like, late on something, it can feel like a waste of time to, to do this exercise.
is going to buy back, like, [:Yeah. It's great. And, and then it's so great for regulation. Yeah. I mean, we've talked about this before is, like, how important it is to pause. Mm-hmm. And that is a pause right there. Yes. Stopping and doing, doing any kind of mindset shift, any kind of work to reframe is a pause. Yeah. So you're not just reacting.
Right, and you're also, you're requiring your brain to shift from that kind of emotional state to, you know, to being more rational and thinking- Mm-hmm ... through things, which is- Mm-hmm ... which is always really helpful to do. Yeah, and reminds me of name it to tame it, which is something- Yeah
in into the thinking part of [:You have to say something with the thinking part of your brain- Right ... or with the language part of your brain. So it actually, like, does, like, shift you from the, from that emotional place to a place of, like, okay, I can name it. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely, and Hannah, just to call back to what you mentioned a few minutes ago that, yeah, we've got to be regulated in order to effectively access all of our other executive function skills, because they're just, uh, they're not accessible when we're dysregulated or highly emotional.
So that's, that's the first step right there. Yeah. Uh, make sure you're regulated. Yeah. And it's hard because you have to be able to identify that. Mm-hmm. You have to be able to notice, like, oh, crap, like, I am dysregulated right now. Yes. Like, that's, that's hard to do when you're feeling dysregulated. It is.
ves? What are some different [:Building Daily Routines & Habits
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[:So really making sure that whatever you're doing, you're doing consistently, you know, practice every day, whether it's, you know, journaling. I know a lot of, a lot of people like to journal at the end of the day just to kind of get all of their thoughts out, um, to help process things from the day. That way our brains can, you know, be freed up for the night for sleep rather than, you know, to ruminate on those things.
I know oftentimes, like my head hits a pillow and I think about, you know, a dozen different things from the day and it's not helpful. So yeah, just having a notebook beside your bed or anything to write on where you can just quickly just jot down any of those thoughts before sleeping. It's really helpful And building some
Gratitude Practice
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[: h. Um, our brains are really [:And they have done research, and they have found that gratitude practice, like a true gratitude practice- Yeah ... actually does make a big difference. It's not just like a, a woo-woo thing that- Right. You know? I mean, it sounds woo-woo, I agree. Yeah. Um, I actually, I kept a gratitude journal for five years, and- Cool
and it, I, and I, I didn't keep up with it. I kind of, it's one of those line a day journals. You know, it's like a five-year line a day journal. Yeah. And I used it as a gratitude journal, which was so great. Um, but after that, at the end of the five years when I filled it, I, I could not get going on the second one.
t, uh, maybe I'll try again. [:Oh, I'm so grateful for that thing." Yeah. And I just really started, like, keeping an eye out for things, and I did really notice. And it also doubled as, like, a really nice journal and, and I coincidentally had it during the pandemic. And so, like, I started it a couple years before the pandemic and then had it through the pandemic and then afterwards, and I, looking back on it, it was really, really, really helpful for me, especially during that hard time.
Yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I love that. That's great that you, that you maintained that, um, for five years. Mm-hmm. That's impressive. Yeah. Um, I, I did wanna say that, uh, I have had clients tell me that journaling doesn't always work for them because they may spiral while they're journaling. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And so I, I do wanna say that if, if, if you've tried journaling and it, and it hasn't been helpful, it may be, it may...
You might try [:Or if you get stuck in it, it doesn't have to be a spiral situation. You can set, set boundaries there. Uh, sometimes I'll have clients write, like if there's something that is really important to them and they want to, uh- Just like as an additional exercise to increase the chance of it happening, then I'll have them journal about it in our sessions.
they're gonna do it, uh, you [:And so that sometimes that just writing it down can kind of solidify it and help you remember. Yeah, I love that. And I love the idea of having that, that time boundary on it, too. I think that's really helpful. Yeah. Yeah. And, and as you're talking about that, too, I was thinking about how Neha mentioned, you know, always having something to look forward to, just the power of that.
Whether it's, you know, it could be a big thing or something really small, but really just, keeping ourselves connected and always looking forward to, to whatever, just really brings that, again, that positive focus to things. And we can tie that into a little, like maybe you're making a plan with your family or a friend.
cing Yes. Practicing your EF [:Actually- Mm-hmm ... just yesterday I was talking with one of my clients, and she really loves coffee, and she likes making French press coffee, so there's a lot of steps in there. But she loves it so much, and so she, like we got on and she was making it for herself, and she was just like looking forward to it and, and it was like a nice...
You know, it was just nice to see what Neha had said in practice. Yeah. So. Yeah, that's great. Yeah. I think about that one a lot now that after having that conversation with her just- Mm-hmm ... you know, to remind myself what am I looking forward to today? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and I think, and I, I think just like we were saying before, our brains are wired for the negative, so it, we can get stuck in that, oh, what are the horrible things that I have to do today, and, you know, what are the things that I'm not looking forward to?
And, [:Mindfulness in Everyday Life
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[:I, I really, for me, it's just about trying to pause and just think about whatever moment it is, like really just being in the moment without all the distractions. It could be, you know, I love to spend time outside, so really just paying attention when I'm outside and just enjoying that. Or when I'm with my family, just really trying to be in the moment there.
tentional kind of meditative [:I think that mindfulness can look, it can look all kinds of different ways for people. I think when people hear mindfulness I think it calls to mind very specific like mindfulness practices. But I think that anything that just really helps to, to regulate the nervous system and bring you back into the moment, connect with yourself, um, that's kind of how I see mindfulness.
a walk or something, I'm, I [:Um, the other thing that I also really like to do is like if we're on the train or, I don't know, like in even in the car, especially when you're driving, you really should pay attention. But just like you said, just sort of like pay att- pay more attention than I might normally and notice everything. One of my favorite regulation strategies that I use for myself is I just sit and I close my eyes, and I try to listen and hear every single thing that I can hear And it's so interesting.
I, I wanna know that I have [:Yeah. So I just set a little timer on my watch, uh, for two minutes. But, uh, yeah, so that's... And also for yoga, I'm the same. I do yoga as well, and I have found that over the years, before when we would, like, sit in the beginning of class and do that grounding or whatever they call it in the beginning centering, I would notice my mind wandering everywhere, and I would get upset with myself like, "Oh my God, Hannah, you can't even just sit quietly for, you know, five minutes while she's doing this."
And so what I've noticed over time is I don't know if I've gotten any better at my mind not wandering, but what I have stopped doing is getting mad at myself for having my mind wander. Yeah. And that is huge. Yeah. I mean, of course our minds are gonna wander. The more we practice, we get better at it. I should start to notice.
opped beating myself up over [:pretty lengthy period of time, and the idea of that kind of, it blows me away. Um, yeah, I have to be, I think I have to be doing something. I have to be doing something physical in order to- Yeah ... kind of have that, that moment. Yeah. I mean, I know I've, I've listened to interviews with Dan Harris and he's talked a lot about how, you know, like, he changed his life through a meditation practice, and he did some number of hours or minutes practice, like, in the middle of Times Square where he just, like, sat in a chair and meditated for- Oh, my goodness
ng- ... if it's not for you. [:It doesn't have to be- Ohm. Yeah. Right. Actually, I'm doing a presentation on Thursday, and I'm, I'm talking about, a little bit about, about mindfulness and meditation, and I, and my slide says, "Not just for hippies." I love that. Yeah, that's... Here I am with my, like, long hair. Coming in. "No, trust me, guys. It's not just for hippies."
Yes. "Let's all say ohm together." "Have a comfortable seat on the floor, everyone." Yes. "You will now join my meditation cult." Right. For the next hour and a half. Yeah. Okay. That's right. Yes. You thought you were coming to learn about EF skills for high school, but actually... Right. Oof. Let me know how it goes, Hannah.
urselves, you know, to help, [:Um, yeah, and Hannah, I know this is something that you talk about a lot and have worked on a lot as well with your clients, so what are some, some ways that you approach the whole concept of metacognition? So
Metacognition & Self-Awareness
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[:So it really helps us Uh, learn how our own brains work, what works for us, what doesn't work for us. And interestingly, it is the last executive function skill to really get, that we really get good at. And the reason for that is because it, it does rely on other executive function skills to be, you know, for you to be good at it.
e thing that I do a lot is I [:And, you know, what were you, what were you p- possibly wrong about? What surprised you?" And then another thing is, uh, just ... So just building in a lot of conversation about that. And I think for me anyway, the best way to learn metacognitive thinking skills is to talk about them and just practice saying those things and thinking those things.
e, like, actual sort of, mm, [:Um- Yeah. Yeah. And so if you are listening and you have little kids, you can start metacognition practice, metacognitive thinking practice really early. I learned this from my sister, who is a speech language pathologist, and she works with little kids, and she's also an executive function coach. And she said that we can help kids learn to start thinking this way when they're super little.
We can ask them, "Was that easy or hard?" Whatever it was, you know? You don't have to say, like, "How did you feel about that?" Right. Just, "Was it easy or hard?" Yeah. Yeah. That's great. There's a siren going by my house right now.
as your kids get older, you [:Yeah. You know. Yeah, that's great. Yeah. What about you? How do you support it with your clients? The same way. Well, similarly, um, by, you know, really just digging into, into those questions and giving them questions that they can consistently ask themselves. Um- Yeah ... that self-reflection. I think any amount of self-reflection helps to build metacognition too.
Mm-hmm. Um, I, I always love, like, introducing this to clients, just the whole concept of metacognition, because you, you said thinking about your thinking, and that's always the term that I use. Um- Mm-hmm ... it's such a, a strange concept if you think about it. Yeah. But it's necessary. It's absolutely necessary to practice, uh, to build that metacognition.
to get better at things when [:If they're not able to track it yet, we can track that. We can track that progress and, and, and name it and, you know, and celebrate those wins. Yeah, absolutely. Which, which if you, if you, which can be really hard to see, especially when you're, like, really suffering. Yeah. You're really in the middle of some really hard stuff.
Right. It's, it can be hard to see anything good, so having someone who has a little bit of an outside perspective but knows to look for- Right ... that, that metacognitive growth, then yeah, it's nice to have that. Yeah, absolutely. That is such an important part, I think, of the coaching process, is just being able to, to really highlight those successes.
ced with a lot of challenges [:And like, I've had a lot of conversations with parents where I've said like, "Hey, like, this, this is happening. This, this growth is happening." And, and they have said, "Oh yeah. Wow, I didn't notice that. Like, I, I didn't see that. But now that you say it, I, I can see it." And, and I think it's just so hard when you're really in it.
Oh, it is nice to have that like- I know. I, I benefit, benefit from it, too. And I, and I try to, like, I'll ask my husband, like, "Do you no- have you noticed any improvement? Because this is something that I've been working on, and it's really hard for me to see. Have you noticed? You know, like, am I less anxious, or am I..."
ng on. Yeah. And yeah. Yeah. [:Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Oh, yep. Yeah. So anyway, yeah, it's hard. Life is, it's, it's hard. And, and you know, it's hard and it's worth it, right? Mm-hmm. All this, and we talked about that with Neha. It is hard, and it's totally worth it. Uh, and also, like, all of these things that we talked about, you don't have to do them all in one day.
Right. You don't have to do any of them. You can pick something else. Yeah. But you know, if you, if you are interested in in being happier, more content, then you gotta do something. It's not gonna happen magically. Yeah. Absolutely. So. Take, take a step. Whatever step it is, take it. Yeah. Yep. All right, so thanks everybody for listening today.
That's [:Yeah, and please reach out. We would love to hear from you. And for now, you can email us at hello@icanbehappier.com or visit our website at icanbehappier.com. Thanks, everybody. Yeah, and don't forget to give us five stars. Oh, yeah. Please. Five stars, please. Yes. And tell your friends about us. Yes. All right.
Thanks, everybody. All right. Thank you, everybody.
And now for those of you who hung around till the end, here's a blooper
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